Warning: This blog entry is rated PG-13, so unless you’re older than the cheese in my fridge, please leave now…

I hope everyone had a great New Years and woke up remembering at least parts of the celebration! In the Chef Delaney household, we had friends and family over for appetizers, drinks and Blu-ray movies on our new 46″ LCD flatscreen. Overall, a great evening with excellent food and wine. I made my famous Thai chicken satay, prosciutto stuffed jumbo mushrooms, cabbage spring rolls with rooster sauce, prosciutto wrapped asparagus in puff pastry, rosemary-garlic sirloin skewers in an aged balsamic marinade and some wonderful “stinky” cheese from California’s famous Cowboy Creamery in Point Reyes. Everyone loved the food, the libations were flowing freely and I even got to see the look of shock on my Grandmother’s face when she saw a naked Chinese man jump out of a car trunk in high-def on the movie ‘The Hangover’.

As I was falling asleep last night though, I remembered that I hadn’t updated this blog for awhile. I brainstormed a bit about what would be interesting to write about and came up with a very interesting subject – masturbation and food. Not using food to masturbate mind you (I can’t help but think about cucumbers and bananas), but rather how the negative attitudes toward masturbation has influenced certain food products that you’ll probably find in your pantry even today. Less than a century ago there existed Scientists and Doctors who believed that diet could affect one’s libido, and being that giving in to carnal pleasures was deemed as sinful and unhealthy behavior, they strived to create foods that would “nourish the body without encouraging the devil’s desires.” - J.H. Kellogg.

Today, this type of attitude is laughable but we only have to look back a few hundred years to see the same type of thinkers burning innocent women at the stake. Thankfully, we now know that lust is not controlled by what we eat (though perfectly seared fois gras does give me a chubby) and we are therefore free to enjoy any foods available without pissing off the Pope. That said, here a few historical examples of how diet has been influenced by the fear of masturbation...

The Apple - I’m sure you’re all familiar with the story of a certain woman, a snake and an apple tree. If not, go get the bible and start reading. We’ll wait… In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were free to eat whatever they wanted with the exception of one thing – fruit from the tree of wisdom. Of course, Adam and Eve were only two years old at the time they were told this and being the two-year old brats that they were, had to go against authority thus condemning humanity to a life of STD’s, taxes and Pauly Shore movies. Seriously, they had to have only been in their terrible twos. Why would God put this pressure on them in the first place? “Hey guys, be all free and stuff… oh, but don’t eat the apples, okay?” I’m sure Eve adjusted her fig-leaf diaper and shouted “MINE!”

God should have been a more attentive parent… but that’s another blog entirely. How exactly did the tree of wisdom become an apple tree? Only the earliest theological scholars know for sure but one thing is for sure; throughout history, there have been a number of religions that have stigmatized the apple. They believed that after Adam and Eve had both eaten of the apple, they became aware of their nakedness. Funny how at first they hid but ultimately went on to fuck like rabbits to seed the children of Abraham. I know it’s not exactly masturbation but apparently the apple did get the ball rolling. Not only that, but because of the apple, we can all consider ourselves the product of inbreeding – think about it.

Grandma’s Easy Applesauce:

•8 Cups Peeled and Chopped Tart Apples

•1/2 Cup Packed Brown Sugar

•2 Tsp Vanilla Extract

•1/2 Tsp Ground Cinnamon

•1/2 Tsp Ground Nutmeg

In a large saucepan, cook all ingredients together over medium-low heat until apples are tender (about 30 minutes). Remove from heat and mash with a potato masher or blend in a food processor for smoother applesauce. Serve hot or chilled. Yields about 6 servings.

The Graham Cracker - Ever had s’mores? Those deliciously sweet snacks you make while camping? Would you believe that one of the main ingredients in s’mores was created by a Presbyterian Minister almost 200 years ago with the idea that it would keep children from masturbating? The graham cracker was named after it’s creator, Rev. Sylvester Graham in 1829 and beared little resemblance to the tasty treat we know it as today. Rev. Graham believed that a bland diet could curb off unhealthy carnal urges and save souls. Originally, the graham cracker was made using a mixture of unbleached fine ground white flour with coarse ground wheat bran (called Graham flour) and contained honey instead of sugar. It was his theory that a bland diet paired with an unexcitable lifestyle would help children supress their sexual urges until they were too old and sedentary to give a shit. Unfortunately, many of his charges still found the opportunity and urge to do what nature makes it so easy to do when bored out your skull. It’s not unfortunate that they were masturbating; it’s just tragic that they were caught. If Rev. Graham’s diet regimens and sermons couldn’t cast out the demonic desires of the flesh, the offender would find themselves subjected to barbaric devices affectionately referred to as “genital cuffs” and possible mutilation. But hey, it’s better than going blind, right?

Graham Cracker Pie Crust:

•6 Tbsp Softened Butter

•24 Graham Crackers

•1/4 Sugar

•1 Tsp Vanilla Extract

•1/4 Tsp Allspice or Nutmeg

•Appr. 2 Cups Dried Beans (To pre-bake pie shell)

In a food processor or blender, pulse the graham crackers, butter, sugar, vanilla extract and allspice or nutmeg until blended. Once finished, press into the bottom and sides of a 9″ pie dish to form crust. Press a sheet of foil onto the crust pressing to shape and fill with dry beans. Bake in a 350 degree oven for ten minutes and remove to cool. Use for your favorite pies and enjoy!

Kellogg’s Corn Flakes - Another fun character was a Dr. by the name of John Harvey Kellogg. Guess what he invented? Here’s a clue: it wasn’t easy-cheese. Dr. Kellogg invented what has become one of the most popular breakfast cereals to ever hit the shelves and the history is fascinating. Unlike the graham cracker, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes are produced exactly the same as when they were first created in 1894 and were only served at the Battle Creek Sanitarium where Dr. Kellogg was the Superintendant. Dr. Kellogg believed that masturbation was an unhealthy practice not so much for religious reasons but rather for the mania and insanity it seemed to create in mental patients. He believed that a strict regimen of enemas, vegetarian diet and abstinance from alcohol, tobacco and most importantly masturbation could cure even the most mentally unbalanced of patients. His methods were not as extreme as the scary-as-hell Rev. Graham, but the thought of having to endure yogurt enemas every day still gives me the heebie-jeebies!

Corn Flake Breading for Chicken:

•2 Cups Kellogg’s Corn Flakes

•1/2 Cup Bleached Four

•1/4 Cup Corn-meal

•2 Tbsp Corn Starch

•1 Tbsp BBQ Spice Rub

•1 Tsp Salt

Put all ingredients into a blender or food processor and pulse until blended. Dredge quartered chicken pieces first in flour, than buttermilk and then the corn flake breading. Fry as you would normally cook fried chicken.

Now that we’ve talked a bit about foods that cause you not to masturbate, how about those that supposedly do? Well guess what guys? There really are no foods that act as an aphrodisiac. Sure, certain foods can get you in the mood but psychologically speaking, if you’re getting horny while eating strawberries or oysters, it’s because your brain is realeasing hormones due to outside influences… like nakedness? Or the hope of nakedness? Or the remote possibility of nakedness? Or “Damned, it’s been a long time since I had some nakedness!”?

Food has nothing to do with it though a diet high in saturated fats CAN supress sexual performance, but that’s only because high blood pressure and heart disease are setting in. That’s not what Dr. Kellogg had in mind at all. The notion that diet can somehow affect your libido is bullshit, and as long as you maintain a healthy lifestyle and have good mental stability, go to town on yourself! Masturbation is not unhealthy (though I wouldn’t recommend doing it at the dinner table), but always remember what some people had to go through for you to be able to enjoy those graham crackers…