I once heard a very stupid yet funny joke. A friend and I were talking about Disneyland one day and he breaks out with "My Grandma used to work for Disney but she got fired." Of course, I had to ask the obvious - "Dude, why'd she get fired?" Without even breaking a smile, he responds, "She was fucking Goofy."
Okay, I fell for that... But it did get me thinking about all the various goofy, memorable and balls-out insane people I've worked with through the last decade - and there've been some real nut-jobs! Thankfully, I came through with most of my sanity intact, but every now and then, I wonder what became of these people...
"Omar" - Omar was the first cook I ever saw break a sweat. Here I was, a green stick in a Mexican kitchen thinking I was the shit because I'd been promoted to the fryer. Sure, I was in charge of making the chips, chimichangas and chicken strips for the kids meals but I was still making only 20 cents above minimum wage. It didn't matter though... I had been enpowered. I had graduated from slicing tomatoes to actually working "on the line". I was a cook. One particular friday night, the two saute cooks called in sick so it was just myself, the expoditer and Omar. I'd never even worked with Omar before and didn't know what to expect, but by the end of the night, I'd learned a new level of panic.
Omar was one of those crazy Mexican cooks that had the energy level of a chihuahua on meth (probably because of all the meth he did), and would drive everyone in the kitchen crazy because of his inability to settle down. I swear, he used to do aerobics on his smoke break to "keep the flow going". The guy was certifiable 51/50, and to me he was a God. Omar had what many of us would consider a "helium" voice which only made his frenetic attitude even more disturbing, and that particular night he aksed me in his Mickey Mouse Mexican, "Whetto, you'se ready fo sum dat shit?! Is gonna gets CRAZY up in hur!!! Grab dose purty ankles an holds da TIGHTS!"
Did I mention that there is a little known language spoken by only a few known as Omar-nese?
Never mind the fact that I couldn't understand every third word out of his mouth - he was the knowledgable one in the kitchen and I had no choice but to try my hardest to follow his command.
"WHETTO! FUR ME SUM DAT PAINYO POPS WIT DAT CHIGGIDY STRIPS! LAY UPPAN DAT TORTY WIT DA GUAC!!!"
- Translation: "Excuse me Caucasian friend of mine. Would you be so kind as to deep-fry two orders of the breaded chili rellanos alongside the order of chicken strips that you are currently preparing? It's ever so much appreciated. Also, I'm not sure if you're aware but the guest on table six would like a ration of guacamole with their quesadilla." -
Even with Omar's speech impediment, we got throught that and many other shifts together, and one of the main reasons I have never forgotten him is because he was the first person to work with me. He knew I was wet behind the ears, but he went out of his way to teach me... even though I couldn't understand a damned word he said half the time. I'll always remember Omar and I still have tremendous respect for the guy. Wherever he is, I'm sure he's confusing the hell out of the other "whetto" cooks, but I'm sure he's still a stand-up guy.
"Danny the Gay Saute" - Sometimes, you'll run across an enigma wrapped in a riddle, and Danny the Gay Saute had all of us scratching our heads in bewilderment. Here was a guy who came in to his interview and basically TOLD the Chef that he had the job because nobody was as good as him, was more pierced and tattooed than all of the kitchen staff put together and maybe weighed 120 lbs when wet. When he left after his interview, we all gathered around the Chef to laugh about what we'd overheard when the Chef dropped a bomb on us. "I'm going to give him a chance. Worst case scenario, he doesn't work out and we have a good laugh."
The next Monday, Danny showed up wearing (I can't make this up) a fishnet sleeveless shirt and cutoff shorts. His excuse? His older brother had burned all his clothes when he told the family about his boyfriend. Well, he started training on the line during lunch and it turned out he was really good. He didn't miss any orders, all his food was cooked perfectly and he was even able to help out the Sous-Chef on the broiler. This little freaky guy was REALLY good! Mind you, this was one of Fresno's busiest restaurants at the time and it wasn't rare for a new cook to give up and quit on their first day but Danny the Gay Saute was loving every minute of it! Not just that, but he was frustrating the other cooks because he was trying to have a conversation with them...
"So Nacho, how many kids you got?"
Nacho - "Dude shut up! I'm trying to concentrate!"
"Sorry man. HEY! Are you going to to the fair this year?"
Nacho - "Seriously man! Shut the fuck up before I cut you!"
Danny just kept on going like the Energizer Bunny on crack and took every bit of abuse the rest of the kitchen heaped on him... for months. Eventually, the cooks warmed up to him and accepted him into their family. But one fateful day, the Sous-Chef overheard him talking to a busboy about his new "Prince Albert". Those of you who don't know what a Prince Albert is and still want to be able to sleep tonight, leave now! Seriously!
A Prince Albert is a specific piercing that involves a metal ring through the urethra of a male's genetalia - basically an earing in the tip of the dick... ouch. Needless to say, the Sous-Chef (who turned out to be a closet homosexual himself) was very intrigued and asked to see Danny's "Prince Albert". Danny, being the classy guy that he was, obliged... the whole freaking kitchen staff. He unabashedly dropped trou and showed us his piercing, plus cock, plus balls, plus a very strange tattoo of the words "Mr. Belvedere". Mr. Belvedere?! Wow...
Never mind the fact that this crazy little pierced-up and tattooed freak of nature had no quelms showing off his cock-piercing, but allow me to say this without prejudice - his dick was the smallest any of us had ever seen! Seriously! Don't take that the wrong way because I know that a man's anatomy doesn't define him but DAMNED!!! This guys dick was absolutely tiny! I'm not kidding. The jewelry involved was larger. It had to be an inch if that and I am not kidding. I'm not one to rag about the size of a man's penis but he opened himself up. If I were that small (and who says I'm not?), I'd keep my pants on.
Danny the Gay Saute is still talked about to this day and the last I heard he was managing a vegan restaurant in Seattle. Wherever he is, I'm sure he's still working circles around the other cooks and making them feel much better about themselves...
"Bren" Bren, Bren, Bren... What can I say about her. Bren was one of the sexiest and most volitile servers I've ever worked with and even though she's no longer in the restaurant industry, her legacy lives on. Bren and I worked together for a year at a dying Italian joint and we had our fun. She wasn't the best server around but she was good for a lunch shift. Her problem was that she would get heated and take it out on whoever was nearby. I remember one lunch shift where she took out her checkbook and wrote a check for the entire amount of the bill for a bitchy old lady who forgot to tip. She presented the check to the lady and said "I'm paying for your lunch today but this check will probably bounce because nobody here ever fucking tips me on this fucking shift!" - WOW!
Yes, I was in love... but scared shitless. I actually tried to date Bren but it was obvious from the get-go that we were too different. I liked her but she was really scary. Also, I was too busy trying to build up my reputation and she was busy demolishing hers.
Needless to say, we both moved on to seperate restaurants and the next I heard of her was when she earned her namesake. She was working at a popular sports bar and grill and apparently they weren't treating her right (which means she wasn't making $30 an hour with weekends off). She waited until they had not one, but TWO banquets going at the same time on a busy Saturday night before she executed her exit plan. Ten minutes before both banquets were supposed to be served, she went into the kitchen and tipped over three speed-racks full of the banquet food, removed her apron and stormed out. Considering that each speed-rack held about $500 worth of food, and the labor to execute those banquets was probably around $700, and the percieved incompetency of the restaurant not being able to deleiver was easily in the thousands, Bren quickly became famous - and unemplyable.
To this day, whenever someone screws up royally, it's known as pulling a Bren.
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